I had to do some grass roots networking and so I went to the mall and started shaking hands and passing out business cards, telling anyone who would listen about my book. I told a young and quite beautiful woman that my book was about a woman getting her life together after being the victim of domestic abuse. She said to me, “Thanks for writing a book about us for us.” She was also a victim of abuse and said she knew a lot of women who would appreciate the story.
Being a victim of domestic abuse is painful, and the pain comes at you in the most inopportune times. Something triggers a memory and you have a flashback of that moment when you were at your most vulnerable, and you can’t shake the dread. It consumes you like the flu does to your immune system. You find yourself shivering profusely, getting feverish and all worked up. You even think about inflicting the same kind of pain that was inflicted on you. At that very moment you believe it would alleviate the frustration… that is until you’re sitting in a cage with your hands chained behind your back. No, sister-girl, some things are not worth going to jail over.
So, how do you get rid of the pain? I’m not a therapist. I can only speak from experience. The long and short answer is: time. If you’re a praying person, that helps too. Try to get involved in activities to keep your focus off your ex. Self-improvement is always the best bet (i.e. taking classes, exercising, eating right).
It’s so easy to just give into the pain. You might even start telling yourself things that you don’t need to hear. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m dumb. I’m uneducated. I deserved it. If I would have… It doesn’t matter if you are the most beautiful girl in the world. A zim zam fool is going to be a zim zam fool.
Focus on you. And every time you start that negative self-talk, say twice as many good things about yourself to combat it. Yes, I may be overweight, but I don’t always have to be. I can lose the weight. I am beautiful. I am smart.
Some people have to jump right back into another relationship in order to feel good. Give yourself some time to heal or your new partner will feel the pain that your old partner left behind. Now, I’m not advocating sleeping around, it's best just to take a step back in that department. But getting your grove on is not the same as jumping into another relationship, so if you need to feel someone’s body against yours, do your thing, sister-girl, but be careful. You don’t want to lay down with a dog and wake up with fleas!!
The best thing that you can do to get over the pain is to eliminate it. That means, letting calls go to voice mail. Returning calls via voice mail and email. You don’t need to meet up for lunch to discuss anything. You need to just walk away. (If you have kids, they don't need to hear the craziness). You can communicate without having to do it in real time. Unless it’s an emergency, a minute or two or three isn’t going to make a difference. Luckily we live in the computer age with a multitude of technology at our fingertips. Your ex may not appreciate the fact that you don’t jump when he/she says so, so be careful and don’t get cocky. But it’s certainly ok to find joy in the fact that it irritates your ex that you’re not feeding into his/her nonsense. Be the better person and don’t argue, fuss or fight. And in time… weeks, months, years, you’ll feel better, and the pain won't be so easily recalled.
** Jennifer Lightburn is the author of Seasons Change ** Available at Amazon.com. http://www.jenniferlightburn.com/
